Thursday, June 11, 2009

My New Life

In 13 days, I will become a wife.
This will not be the first time I will become someones wife. It will be the last. I am sad and embarrassed to say that this is my third trip down the proverbial aisle. I am a failure at this. I asked myself why I am doing this again. What have I learned?
Marriage #1 - I was a scared child. I was doing what I thought was "the next step." Plus, I was marrying a man that my father adored. He would never leave me wanting anything. He took care of my needs. He protected. He was and is a wonderful man. He is one of my best friends. He is the best man I could chose to be a father to my daughter. He wanted no more children.
Marriage #2 - I wanted more children. I sat in the car, minutes before I was to walk into the church to say, "I do." and prayed for a seizure. I knew I was making a mistake. I saw this man as adequate to give me the other child I strongly yearned for. He had his faults. Eight months after I became his wife, he became a different, violent, dishonest person. I often tell myself that he probably was all of those things before, but maybe I didn't want to see it? Maybe I just wanted a child so bad that I would settle? Regardless, I went through three years of hell but I have a son that brings me daily laughter as a result.
I've been asked routinely for the past few months if I was excited about the wedding, the planning, etc. My answer has been "no." I am not excited about spending months (not to mention money) planning and organizing and making lists (OK, anyone that knows me probably knows that last part is a lie. I love lists!), for what will amount to about a 15 minute ceremony and 45 minute photo session. I am excited about what will come after. My marriage.
For some reason, this is different. I hope it is because I've learned from the previous two marriage (yes, I'm pathetic). I'm excited to be this man's wife. I look forward to the life we will have. My two children, his one. I look forward to waking up in his arms and falling asleep in the same. I look forward to have a partner in love and in life. This man is my biggest cheerleader and first person to tell me to "get a grip". I look forward to being the Ephesians wife that our Lord wants me to be.
We went through this time of uncertainty, where I felt that I did not deserve to marry this man because I have been married twice before. Through no fault of his own, I divorced my first husband. I ended my second marriage for the safety of myself and my children, but still not due to a sin that God would approve. So, how could I even think that I deserved to marry this man and God would approve. I know now, and fully believe that God would not have brought this man into my life if He did not believe that I deserved him. I am thankful daily for this gift.
In 13 days, I will have a new life. A life that I feel I can be proud of. A life that I hope that my daughter will see as an example of what a marriage should consist of.
In 13 days.

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